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I started to write this story that was mocking Twilight and the writing style that Stephenie Meyer uses. Srsly. Fucking Twatlight is redudant as hell. Not only is it redudant, but there are waaaay to many fucking details that aren't even needed. Sometimes we even get details that people don't need to know. I don't know about you, but I know that I do not want to fucking read (nor do I need to know) about how Edward's breath smells like a York peppermint pattie. btw, his breath smells so good that you can taste it and it makes your mouth water because it's a York candy ...

Anyway, I was writing this with my dear Enpii as the character so I could get out of making up the plot and shit that most stories, unlike Twilight, have. I started writing this on Semptember 19th and I have not written anything further than what I wrote on that day. Yeah, I fucking fail because I didn't finish it but I think what I have can distract you all from how much I fail. =D
Oh. I also didn't read through it to edit it or anything so if there are mistakes that's because I'm lazy. =D

Without further adieu, I present to you ...

THE GRAND ADVENTURE OF THE GRAND UNICORN, FORMERLY KNOWN AS LE GRAND UNICORN, OF LULZLANDIAH.


I will tell you tale of which I am in the middle of. There is no need to tell you of the beginning because it's a complicated thing. A complicated thing of which I don't like speaking of in speaking. It's also totally unique, unique and special like a snowflake, to not start at the beginning of tales. The only thing that's really important is Unicorns. That's right. Unicorns.

Unicorns are wonderful creatures that are very wonderfulingly wonderful. Although I'm not sure if I like them for their wonderful nature or because they have a phallic looking appendage on their head. Whatever the reason my love is for them will not be known. Sometimes things don't need reasons and they are the reasons because that's the way things are.

The most magnificent unicorn is Le Grand Unicorn of Lulzlandiah. You couldn't tell by the name that this was a grander Unicorn of all the Unicorns to have ever existed. Names should never fool you -- many of the great Unicorns before Le Grand Unicorn had very plain names. There was once a great Unicorn named Jessica. I remember there were other creatures named Jessica, even people too -- human people.
I often wondered why Le Grand Unicorn was called Le Grand Unicorn. The Grand Unicorn is a better name to suit the grandness of this Unicorn. Le Grand sounds like a name that is from a foreign land, a foreign land that possibly eats bread in the shape of crescents -- crescents like the crescent moon. Maybe the people in that foreign land wear berets and in that land a phallic looking structure -- made of some type of strong material that is strong by the hands of people with hands -- that the land is wellingly known for.

From now on Le Grand Unicorn will now be called The Grand Unicorn. I will do this for no particular reason. If I would have to think of a reason that reason may just be so that the character count of this story will be increased by one for every time The Grand Unicorn is brought up. It is a very well known fact that nowadays, the days of now, that authors get advance payments by the number of characters in their documents. That was how a certain author was paid three-quarters of a million dollars in advanced for a saga about Vampires that aren't Vampires. I'm not sure if this is true because I've never researched it in research -- research is only for geeks, the geeks with glasses that look geeky.

Now that I have had time to think of The Grand Unicorn, formerly known as Le Grand Unicorn, in thoughts I can continue thinking thought of why the thought of The Grand Unicorn is the central most important thing of importancy. The shockingly truthful truth is that I am on a mission. An important mission that involves such importance that it must be a mission. It could also be called a quest. I'll just call it a mission so that I can secretly think I'm a spy -- like a spy from a land that is very well known for drinking vodka and two singers that pretended they were lesbians, except they weren't because one of them got pregnant.

This quest mission involves saving The Grand Unicorn -- formerly known as Le Grand Unicorn -- of Lulzlandiah from the every so horrible place that is called Shittymeyerland. Shittymeyerland is very dangerous and shitty land full of moving pillars of marble. This land is also ruled by a most fearsome evil wizard that is full of evil. This evil wizard is named Jamie Riley. I think Jamie Riley's bitter evilness came from the fact that Jamie wasn't sure what gender they were. No one was sure. No. One.

I heard rumors that Jamie's name was Riley before and that it wasn't the last name because that last name could also be a first name. The Riley had changed their name to Jamie because Jamie is a unisex name. Depending on how much light there was in a room, or how much light the sun provided during the times of day, Jamie would be called a woman and sometimes Jamie would be called a man. Many people often wondered why Jamie Riley just never stuck his/her hand down his/her pants to find out whether or not they were a male or female. I think Jamie Riley is just really afraid to know their own gender -- whether or not their sex chromosomes were XX or XY. It was quite an amazing and baffling phenomenon.

Jamie Riley is really pissed off because they really need a good lay. Jamie Riley can't have sex until his/her gender is discovered so that they know which gender would be the correct gender that the majority of people say is correct to sleep with. Out of sexual frustration, Jamie Riley sent Edwardsanthestupid and her concubine, Stephanie Meyers -- Stephanie Meyers should not be confused with Stephenie Meyer because they are two different people with two different names that are very differently spelled -- to capture The Grand Unicorn of Lulzlandiah.
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April 2009

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